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How To Make Out

Dear Uncle Ralph,

I just had my 13th birthday.   My Mom says it's ok for me to start making out with boys as long as they "don't touch me".   My problem is I really don't know how to make out with boys.  Since Mom kicked my daddy out there ain't no body to teach me.   My brother is 7 but that ain't old enough.   Do you think I should ask one of my teachers?  I don't want to feel stupid when I get a boyfriend.

Melinda

Dear Melinda,

It's been a while since I was 13.   So I really can't remember what it's like not to know how to make out but I'll try my best to give you some tips.

1. But to start out, you should brush your teeth.  I know, I know.  Brushing your teeth sucks and you might never do it, but you want to be sure you ain't got the taste of old crud in your mouth when your new boyfriend sticks his tongue down your throat.  

2. Then, try not to chew tobacco for at least a week before.   That might be hard for a young woman such as yourself, but do try.   If your dude chews then you should only have to wait a couple of days.

3. Get some acne cream.   Nothing turns a guy off more than having a zit erupt all over him while swapping spit with you.

4. Don't use Kleenex.  You know, stuffing.  It's ok to blow your nose with but you shouldn't be using false advertising.   Now having said that, try to act natural if you find your boy has a roll of socks.

5. Don't drink so much you puke.   Lip locking with a drunk chick with puke on her chin ain't cool.

6. If you happen to need to fart while in the midst of passionate tongue wrestling be sure to announce it first.   You don't want to worry your dude that he might have created that smell that but doesn't remember doing it.   At the same time, if he happens to let one rip, be sure to comment on how cool his farts are.  (unless it's a squeaker, then dump him right away.)

7. And remember, when you slurp syrup, to really try to salivate.   You know, work up spit.   It keeps things more interesting.

8. You don't have to wear the dog collar.  He can sometimes too.

Well I hope that help.  Like I said, it's been a long time since I "Didn't know how to make out" so if any of you other readers have some suggestions, please pop me an email or use the "Ask a Question" button on the left. (Or Click Here)  Be sure to put in the subject "How to Make Out".

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See the Trailer Park Boys DVD

Who'd You Vote For?

Dear Uncle Ralph,

I finally voted.  I vote for that colored guy cause he said he was gonna send us a check.   Here is Thursday already and I done checked my mail box.  Nothing.    I'm running low of cash and I'm almost out of beer.   Those dudes are just liars.    Did you get your check or did you vote for that old guy.  He ain't never gonna send you no check.   Ya know, if that old guy got in as president and then he died, that chick would be president.  She'd be hot.

So, who'd you vote for?

Bill in Arkansas.

Dear Bill,

Well, this might be a surprise, but I didn't vote for either one.   Neither the old guy with the hot chick or the black dude.   This time around and for the first time in my life I didn't vote either Republican or Democrat.   I voted for Chuck Baldwin of the Constitution Party.

I couldn't vote for Barack because now I'm a rich website owner and I want to keep my money and I think all babies should be born.   I couldn't vote for McCain because I remember him.   He wanted to give amnesty to all the illegal aliens coming in from Mexico and California.   (Thank God we don't border France!)  And we still ain't sealing the borders properly.

And I got a little bad news for you.  Barack ain't president yet.   Nope.  I know he won the election but he won't be president until he swears on the bible that he'll uphold and defend the constitution of the United States of America.  That ain't supposed to happen until late January.  

The good news is that I heard he is going to provide 6 cases (Cases!) of Buckhorn beer to all trailer park residents that promise to go out and actually get jobs.   I'm all over that!

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Grow Your Own Weed

Hey Uncle Ralph,

I just heard ya'll up in Michigan just voted to legalize weed.  You people are too cool!  Where bouts do you live?  Maybe I can get a trailer in your park.  My welfare lady said if I grow weed here in Florida, I go to jail.  She's mean.

Kunt

Florida

Dear Kunt,

Yup, it's true.   Michigan voted to approve weed this election.  The same election where we voted for Barack Obama for president.  You can get a permit to grow your own or for other people.  Just a few rules you gotta follow. 

1. You have to grow it in your own shed.  Not in a garden.  (Man, sucks to be my neighbor)

2. You can only have 4 ounces at any one time.  So I think if you have more than 4 ounces you have to sell the rest.

3. You gotta have a doctor say it's ok.  That shouldn't be a problem.  I get drugs from my doctor as it is.

See?  Pretty cool, huh.   I think what happened is that everybody that has a job in Michigan is loosing it.  So if you ain't got a job you might as well grow your own weed.

So feel free to move to Michigan.  We're all just hang out here sipping Buckhorn beer, eating Doritos and cold hotdogs and making pottery.

P.S.   I almost forgot to mention the sick, dying and in pain thing.  Ya gotta be all that before you can smoke it without going to jail.

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